December 25, 2011

Its a lonely battle, it is.
You're on your own in this.
The familiarity of amiss,
The comfort of dismiss.
Hope, its worth the risk,
This lonely battle, that is.

Call it Murphy's law, or life, but when things get murky, ur always bloody alone.
and when things get murkier, you are still so fucking alone.

November 29, 2011

A pensive mood, And everything is screwed.



The mental battle of this strife,
The yearning to give up
And live some other life,
One,  that is today bright;
But living darkness now,
For tomorrow to alight.
The constant fight,
For things that delight;
With none in sight,
Hoping for a light,
For a high of considerable height,
Bearing with today’s plight,
Constant gnawing despite.
To just run away,
Far far away, to some godforsaken respite.


What a bargain- your today for a tomorrow,
That maybe,
For everyone elses surprise,
Telling you its your prize,
Does anyone realise,
It price?
The tears and the cries?
Once, twice, even thrice,
And finally they say, nice!
You’ve been sensible,
Its been destined,
While other’s recline,
Lay back, in waters saline,
Dine, drinking fine wine,
Someone toils,
Burning the midnight oil,
To define,
Some kind of sunshine,
To fill in, to fall in line,
Something to hold on to,
Something,  to call mine.


October 9, 2011

Reflections..


How I long for the days I do,
Like the early, lovely morning dew,
The warmth I miss,
Like a sunny winter day bliss,
Of small gestures of happiness.

The buzz of sounds, surround,
The lazy pace, withdrawn.
The easy rhythm, once
Wondrously driven,
Now hijacked by the
worldly heavens.


Its clear to see, like a starry sky,
Its clear to me, that the stakes are high.
The tough gets tougher,
The rough only rougher,
The continuity of suffer,
The need of a cover,
But its just day another,
The goals, a little further.


A heavy sigh,
Another morning to night,
Without a thing in sight,
As the world goes by,
I miss my belongingness,
Which once, kept me alive.

September 23, 2011

whats a woman without her moods?



Whats a woman without her moods?
Sometimes tangy, sometimes subdued.
The myriad hues,
Which transform without a clue,
From a dazzling smile,
To a frown, that can kill a lie.

The twinkling eyes,
In moments, can turn into sighs,
From the highest highs,
That can make one fly,
To the lows so low,
That are worse than dying.

The robust words,
Bursting in herds,
Can easily be followed,
By a deathly silence,
That can leave one hallowed.

A woman is magic,
Sometimes taking too dearly,
Things that are not even tragic.
But if adversity arrives,
She looks it in the eye,
Challenging, beckoning, rather threatening;

She finds her peace,
Keeping troubles at a crease,
Life she can tease,
Without any appease,
Nothing makes her cease!

Going on, with her head held high,
With her emotions conqured,
None of her moods should be tampered,
Herself, she can allow to be pampered,
For she lives, by her own example.

Love a woman,
Find her cute,
For whats a woman,
Without her moods!

September 21, 2011


Haphazard puzzle of a simple picture.
The confusion, frustration,
Vulnerability of emotions.
Weak, yet strong. Strong, yet weak.
Unknown, incomprehensible,
Lacking everything, yet nothing.

Decipher. Discover.
Just yourself and no one.
No one. Just yourself.
Be the reason, Be the factor,
The benefactor, The attractor.
Realise. Recover. Endeavour. Emerge

September 11, 2011

dedicated : to the girls who empathise, to the men who woo, the ones, who shall soon be victims too!


Never believe a  man who woos you,
Who promises that hel love u,
Even if ur size was twos u.

If there ever was a never,
Save it for the endeavour,
The very many, if u shall fall,
For the tasks ahead are rather tall.

Before you know,
And learn to endure,
The floating feeling,
The oh! So appealing,
The loving looks,
The promises to cook,
The love story of a book,
Is all just a hook!

And once hooked,
You shall remain booked,
Being cooked, with taunts
And comments,
And insistent repents,
Especially about the size of twos,
By the man who once wooed!

;)

August 22, 2011

2011 - just began, just about ended!

i just remember 2011 just about beginning.. it had been about six odd months since i was blogging, and about a year from today, i didnt know, but something was cooking!

2011 had just about begun. looking at the calender now, I realsie that it is about to end. the months have passed,  wizzed away actually. but it seems like years. years that have merrily, happily skipped their way to today.

life takes strange turns sometimes,
in unprecedented ways,
it makes you realise,
that life is beautiful,
no matter what the time,
no matter how many times,
its precious, and shall remain so,
with a beautiful smile!


:)


June 22, 2011

Touched By an Angel

We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.



Maya Angelou

May 24, 2011

Bye Bye Joy...

25 May marks the day we had to give up Joy..
here is a small poem I wrote after we buried him, to remain with us forever in our thoughts and talks.



To another world you have left,
Leaving us to cherish you,
Happy times, laughter, songs,
And now some tears too..

How much I’ll miss you,
You do not know,
Your home feels lonely,
Without you and your stones!

Bye bye lil Joy
You’ll always be my Joy –Toy,
Our lil saint in white fur,
Sparkling eyes, even triangular!

Forgive us Joy, if you think it
Was wrong,
We wanted the best for you,
And know you were strong.

You’re a fighter, a survivor,
A strong headed admirer,
You will be loved.. forever,
As you always were,
My lil honey bun, Mr. Joy Sir! 

May 2, 2011

My 25th Birthday..

if there ever could be a birthday
it just had to be today!

if a smile is sacred, i can smile all through...
in my eyes, which reflect my surprise..
till the sunrise, by the moonlight of the night..
I.. am left with a wonderful smile!

:)..

May 2, 2011. 

April 22, 2011

Asking for Roses


..and just how many times have Ritu and me read this poem..over and over again!:)



A house that lacks, seemingly, mistress and master,
With doors that none but the wind ever closes,
Its floor all littered with glass and with plaster;
It stands in a garden of old-fashioned roses.

I pass by that way in the gloaming with Mary;
'I wonder,' I say, 'who the owner of those is.'
'Oh, no one you know,' she answers me airy,
'But one we must ask if we want any roses.'

So we must join hands in the dew coming coldly
There in the hush of the wood that reposes,
And turn and go up to the open door boldly,
And knock to the echoes as beggars for roses.

'Pray, are you within there, Mistress Who-were-you?'
'Tis Mary that speaks and our errand discloses.
'Pray, are you within there? Bestir you, bestir you!
'Tis summer again; there's two come for roses.

'A word with you, that of the singer recalling--
Old Herrick: a saying that every maid knows is
A flower unplucked is but left to the falling,
And nothing is gained by not gathering roses.'

We do not loosen our hands' intertwining
(Not caring so very much what she supposes),
There when she comes on us mistily shining
And grants us by silence the boon of her roses.

Robert Frost

April 20, 2011

SONGS HAVE A WAY..

a wonderful song....that plays sometimes at wonderful places!


COUNTRY ROADS..TAKE ME HOME!


Almost heaven, West Virginia 
Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River 
Life is old there, older than the trees 
Younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze 

Chorus: 
Country roads, take me home 
To the place I belong 
West Virginia, Mountain Mama 
Take me home, country roads 

All my memories, gathered 'round her 
Miners' Lady, stranger to blue water 
Dark and dusty, painted on the sky 
Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye 

Chorus 

I hear her voice, in the morning hour she calls me 
The radio reminds me of my home far away 
And drivin' down the road I get the feeling 
That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday 


love the song!...and ....

April 14, 2011

..the night..


Was it the conversation of the night,
Or the night of long conversation,
That left me wanting to be this way,
This way, that I cannot explain.

Was it the words that mattered,
Or the silence that flattered,
When time not only moves,
But also stands still on cues.

Life happened, and how,
Everytime it seem, like a
Blessing is bestowed,
How you and me vowed,
Even when around was just a crowd.

Seasons seem changed,
Flowers blossoming for reasons insane,
Smiles that take a while,
To hide and be hidden,
The spark that can seldom,
Be missed or be mistaken..

The night of long conversation and
The conversation of the night,
Reaffirms my faith,
That miracles happen sometimes!!

April 11, 2011

WOMANLY THOUGHTS..


Looking for a red ribbon the other day, I chanced upon some old stuff that used to be up on my walls in college..and none, I shall declare, have been written by me! though I mostly believe in the meanings conveyed..
To begin with.. about women..


A WOMAN SHOULD...
Be a feminist during her college days,
Be career minded and care oriented,
Play the game of hide and seek with her suitor,
Dare to stay happily unmarried all her life,
Love being a woman,
Buy flowers for herself,
Feel the wind on her face,
Go camping, trekking,
Be bold, be shy,
Trust men, occasionally..
Give that second chance to everyone,
Be romantic,
Get emotionally hyped over nothing, and cool down suddenly.
Go on a diet, yet eat chocolates and ice-creams,
Get high, and stay high on life,
Love her man, and her reflection,
Learn to love herself,
Kiss herself goodnight in the mirror,
Get wild, and tame her tears,
Break rules, lead the dances,
Drive her man’s car,
Run his bank account,
Manage his business, wear fine clothes,
Yet know, he’s a man, and she the woman,
Get flattered,
Wear latest fashion, and wear fine diamonds
For no special reason,
Lay down principles in her life,
Go out window shopping all alone,
Know the way to her man’s heart,
And last but not the least..
Never forget the little girl within! :)







A woman is..
An angle of truth, a dream of fiction,
Shes afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But can tackle a stranger all alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as rose,
She’l kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose!
She’ll win u in a rage, enchant u in silk,
She’ll be stronger than brandy,
And milder than milk!
At times she’ll be vengeful, merry and sad;
She can hate u like poison, and love u like mad!



A man can be called ruthless if he bombs a country to oblivion.
A woman can be called ruthless, if she puts u on hold!

April 8, 2011

Our truest life is, when we are in our dreams - Awake!

The experience of that proverb, is an even truer moment in life to behold. Its only when u sit back and reflect, u feel the happiness of it washing over u, and the sensation of reality, at that moment, is again, beyond words. 

I pray, God blesses everyone, in the same way!

Life happens.. and sometimes, nicely so! :)



 

April 6, 2011

??


Is it all for real
Or just a dream
A passing thought
Waiting to be caught?
A feeling that exists
Which has often been dismissed
Or is it all, just a mist
Like life itself,
Which decided to suddenly twist.


Is it all really for real?

April 3, 2011




and the world shall remain behind us!!! 
world cup 2011!
proud to be an Indian! 

March 26, 2011

...

Its the same city..
Sometimes, its peacefully alive,
Sometimes, it deadens my soul.
Sometimes, it sets me free,
While sometimes, it traps me.

Sometimes, it rejoices in beauty,
Sometimes, it spells monotonous duty.
Sometimes, I yearn for it,
Sometimes, I want to burn it!
At times, it reinforces my faith,
Once in a while, it spells my internal death.

Spring blooms here, beautifully.
Winter, is often moody.
The same roads, which once were traced,
Accompanied by a warm embrace,
Sometimes now, just equivocate.

Things that mattered, stopped mattering;
Things that stopped mattering, suddenly matter.
Its strange, how perceptions change,
The walls once built, suddenly seem insane.
Things, once, thoughtfully, stubbornly ingrained,
Now seem, like a fools game! 

March 20, 2011

In the fight of the elephants, its always the grass that gets hurt!

unfair, but true.

March 19, 2011

March Rush.. Memories gush..


This year, the winter was prolonged. Spring is here, from being rather chilly, it is abruptly warming up. Last year, the same time, the weather was warmer, the tempers hot, and my house, on fire! My brother was getting married. 21 march was the d day. The whole month before that – a seething haze!

Tension was the mood in the air. Celebrations were secondary, priority was a lot of work, consequences of which, were a lot of sleeplessness, fights, shouting, fits of anger, irritation and oh! Don’t ask! I was even recommended an anger management course by Ritu! :) Everything was out of order. The house was in a chaos, people poured in like flood water, moods swung like swings, and poor little me, had lots and lots of work and responsibility on my shoulders!

No doubt the whole ordeal was intercepted with a lot of happy moments. There was much merriment in the air too. Most of which, frankly, was enjoyed, either after or in the first two weeks of march. Friends from all over India, and even from abroad, came in for the much awaited family reunion. Jess officially took leave- which is HUGE! And the late nights, songs, dance, the funny moments, memorable drives, meeting new people, getting to know them made it all worth a lot.

With barely any sleep for weeks at a stretch, the day finally arrived. 5 am, and everyone wanted to bathe first. Sleepless, swollen eyes. Not the most perfect of looks. The groom himself walked in the house at 4 am! got ready and lay relaxing, while everyone else buzzed about. Everyone ate something for breakfast, the elderly, due to medicinal reasons, while the young for energy. Left was me. everything over by the time it was my time. Oh! How I still remember that feeling!

Anyhow, I was the sister (in-charge!). it was my DUTY to collect the money from every corner possible! Lots of laughter and fun followed. While my nails were still being painted in the car, we reached the destination. Soon, the beautiful ceremony of the pheras took place, and before we knew, I had a bhabi!

Fun frolic and some adventure was the only thing around! A few of us came back, for my parents were to get the doli. Thank God I escaped. My mom cried, for she could envision me there someday, and had I been there at the time, I wud have just asked my bhabi to stay home!

Anyhow, it was nice to see my bhabi and everyone smile on being back home. The evening gave way to night and more celebrations. The wedding day gave way to the next, the reception. THAT was a lot of fun, but only once we reached the venue. Before that, with the whole house left to me, including all the people and aunties who just wouldn’t stop getting ready, and the transport, and the keys and the.. am just glad i survived! Om Shanti.. that was the only mantra to sanity!:)

All through my brothers wedding, and even after, the only incessant question, or maybe a suggestion to me was, ur next! Everyone wanted to know about my plans for my wedding. My being a  Manglik was not a botheration anymore, for it was ‘declared’ by the astrologers that wedding to any guy after I reach 26 years of age is possible. (these wretched pundits of sorts!) I don’t really know if that relieved my parents, but it definitely put me in the line of fire. Proposals came knocking. My dad only too happy. He wanted me to just say yes! be married and be ‘settled’ soon! What ensued was not the most pleasant of things, but it definitely made me weary of everyone who had a son my age! I think if my dad was allowed to have his way, all our friends, who are eagerly waiting for my wedding, would have been given the news and dates too! I would have either died in depression or taken a permanent asylum at Jesse’s place (i was almost a refugee at his place all those drama days!).  

thank God, a man can have his will, but a woman, necessarily, has her way!:)

Its been a year since Harman and Navneet got married. and sometimes, it feels like it was just yesterday. Time has flown, but it has also crawled, for a long time now! Its rightly said : Time passes quickly, but moves slowly.
Happy Anniversary guys.. may you have a blissfully married life, for the rest of ur life! :)

March 18, 2011

Captain Ritu Raghav.. very very proud of u!




Don’t believe this.. Ritu is a captain in the Indian Army!

All the OTA troubles,
All the sick of it muffles,
All the mad people there,
All the girls,
Who were once fair.

All that time which
Just wouldn’t pass,
All the phones calls
That wud never (long) last,
All the fall ins, all the raggda,
The mad CoCo and his weird tantas!


The final day finally arrived,
And proud, each one of us are,
For your mighty mighty fight! :)

A salute to the woman, who “sleeplessly”, survived OTA and passed out with the stars and a rank, that adds more shine to her character.
Love u lots and lots!
Very proud!:)

March 13, 2011

Flowers bloom..the heart doomed!



Mid Sunday afternoon, riding through the City beautiful, I felt like a happy being. Spring is in the air, flowers in full bloom; with bright colours, a warm sun and cool breeze, every bit of me felt, pleased.  Even the naked trees lining sector 16 and 10 road, had beautiful flowers on them. Nothing but flowers, of all shades, of pink and orange. Life seemed good.

While I waited to meet the lawyer, an old friend from college walked in. Both of us surprised and happy to see each other. We chatted and caught up, while the advocate managed his work. It was a pleasure to see her. We had been good friends initially, but then our priorities changed and we drifted. But strangely, all of that didn’t seem to matter now.

Shot off to the kids from there. They all were very happy today. Touchwood.
Saurabh, a little boy, who was the centre of everyone’s attention at the sector 47 home, is leading a shabby, shoddy life. Sisters looked after him so well. He, really had the whole house, including the kids, running at his commands once. And now, he is this unknown in the many. A child, beaten by circumstances.

 Shortly before we were to leave, we came across another little boy, with the most painfully sweet eyes. His elder brother and him, have joined the bandwagon just few days back. That little fellow, with a disturbing past, so much innocence, and such a lost, defeated look on his face, broke and stole my heart. All at the same time.

Everytime, there is a new face, with a new story.  Everytime, there are new challenges to deal with.  Everytime, the kids, awe you. Everytime, they humble you.  

I am never upset after meeting my kids. But tonight, I am a sad being.

Here’s to that little heartbreaker..

Scared eyes, in a lonely world,
Some words of care
And the innocence pours,
Out and away, in inhibited ways,
A heart waiting to be loved
In that little boy lays!
I wish he’l open up,
Love and be loved,
Feel the wind, the sun and the rain,
Not caged in his shell, I hope he remains.

March 10, 2011

Drr. Jesse

UR ZIMBLY THA BESSSTTT !!!!!!!! :)

w-w-i-ever-d-w-u!!

THANK U SOOOOO VERY MUCH!:)

The Law shall always catch up..


No matter how much Iv tried to run away from the law, the legal fraternity and the so called legal ‘profession’, it surely doesn’t want to leave me.

The doctorate degree has not even begun in the true sense, and here, we are served summons to appear in the courts. The dept. Is extremely incompetent, and wants to leave us in the lurch to defend ourselves. Even if not that, they surely don’t want to go out of the way to help, in matter that should and does concern them than us.

A third ranker in the university level exam, who failed to file in the application for PhD course, and was so ‘shocked and traumatised’ to see another dept level ‘illogical’ exam being conducted (as her petition reads), that she did not sit for the same. So obviously she never got the admission. Now the lady decides to walk upto the High Court, challenging the admission procedure for the course.
Challenge the procedure, no problem. Where, apparently, is the need to attach the students as the respondents too? Where does the case stand, when u ask the students, why did u take admission? Well, the dept offered us the same, we were capable of it, and we took it.

Even if I understand the motive (which is not malafide) behind forcing us to be respondents, for her lawyer is a young chap living in the hostel, and I hope, incapable. I don’t understand the spineless, gutless, incompetent, and even to an extent, an impotent , approach of the dept. They are not putting their foot down, that the university lawyer should defend us. The case is clubbed with that of the dept and has no personal element in it. If I was alone in the matter, maybe I wouldn’t have minded  having a personal lawyer. But since we are 5 of us together, why should there be a personal advocate when the case does not really concern the individuals concerned.

Have to meet the university advocate tomorrow. HATE this whole process and stuff, especially when I know that Iv got to put my energy to something more constructive, more purposeful, than deal with such Godforsaken things, and that too on my own. Though I know there must be something good in the whole process, and am sure il have something to learn. But I hate it nonetheless. Am losing time to useless things, and that makes me a perturbed, irritated person right now.

Btw.. I get a scholarship for doin the Phd! I was thinking of revoking it, but Iv been talked out of that idea. So the formalities shall be completed, and I hope the process takes a farily long time to materialise.  Enough of a long time to give me my peace of mind, to give others a piece of my mind!  

March 9, 2011

To the Woman..


To the woman we came from,
To the sister we look upto,
To the wife who is the pillar,
To the friend who is a miracle,
To the little girls,
Who can be hysterical.

To the grit, to the wit,
To the struggles, to the fits,
To the hope, to the life,
That a woman imbibes.

Salutes to the spirit, with which a woman is enshrined!

March 7, 2011

TV Watching.. hmm!


Watching TV, I happened to ‘carefully’ see the IDBI bank advertisement. They show a young boy, with an elephant. Friends. The ad beautifully captures their mutual love and presses upon the fact that ‘MONEY’, is not what relations are all about. Hence, they conclude, they have removed the tariffs from savings and current account deposits, for ‘you’, the customer is more important to them, than money.
IDBI is a bank, in the banking business.  How much more oxymoronic can an advertisement get!

Then was tuned in the channel, “Times Now”, which in my opinion should be renamed – “Scams Now!” The 9 o clock news by Mr. Arnab Goswami on that channel, am sure, invades many a households and their peace, just as it does mine.

I strongly feel that the quality of debates on the channel can be improved, with Mr. Goswami adding less content, and imposing less of ‘his’ opinions  upon other people’s views. He should really just allow the participants to speak. He definitely can do better by being less repetitive, less intrusive and surely, by asking less irrelevant questions sometimes..most of the times. And even by trying not to stir up news.  Doing their homework better about the issues in vogue, would help them a lot more. I usually find a lot of things messed up when it comes to some legal aspects. They should be more careful, for they reach out to the masses. And fooling or confusing them, for TRPs, is not ‘ethical’.

I also donot support the defamation drive by Times Now. For instance, their (in)famous, ‘Tainted Thomas’ (while referring to the CVC, or maybe ex CVC). The guy has only been charge sheeted.  He has NOT been convicted by ANY court of law, and so the charges have not been proved against him to ‘taint’ him. The morality and legality of his holding that office is a separate issue. Times Now insists upon his guilt, and rather aggressively at that. They are not a court of law, and so should not be getting into their business.  Moreover, every person is presumed to be innocent, until proven guilty. It is a basic fundamental of civilized society, and I hope, they believe we live in one.

Even though I hate it when Mr. Arnab Goswami nods his head from left to right, while a speaker puts up a point he disagrees with. But I love the man for his guts, for the fact, that he follows his heart and takes it upon himself to ‘do something’ for the things and the causes he believes in. Means maybe right or wrong, but the passion just shows. A lot of people may disagree with the means to the end, (like I do with his), but I definitely cannot disagree with the fact that he has changed the face, of the 9 o clock news!

He loves what he does, and does what he loves. And the fact that he takes the weekends off- respect him even more!

February 27, 2011

LOVE HEALS...


A conversation with my mother put me in a trance. I have always felt, believed, seen and experienced, that love heals. But I don’t know why, it still got me thinking, and wondering, and reliving, all over again, that love heals.

It all began with a talk about the Aarushi murder case. Even though the matter is sub judice, and not that the investigation in the case inspires much confidence, and hence the doubts, about her parents being involved. The fact that the parents were home, the servant and the child murdered, and another chap dead on the roof, don’t really remove the parents from the eye of suspicion. Some suspect that it was honour killing. And even if the girl and the servant had something going on, how could one kill the child??? She was a child! All of 14 years! Children do go astray sometimes. There is always a second chance that should be granted. And I agree with my mother on that.

 From there my thoughts moved on to how some kids at Snehalya have been victims. And life, gave them a second chance. Some of them have been abused, some raped, some had almost died, some suicidal, some juvenile criminals, some beggars, some abandoned, some kidnapped, some whose parents have been murdered; and all, who have strange, but scary real life stories for a baggage. They have every right to be angry with God, for they don’t have a life like we do. They have every right to be disturbed, to be mad, to hate and scorn and run away, from everything and everyone. They have every right to distrust life.

But they don’t. Because love did, and is, healing them. I know of some children, personally so. I have seen them change and respond to love. From bitter, complex, confused individuals, I have seen them transform into lovely flowers. I have seen these miracles before my eyes.

Of the many, Manni (name changed) comes to my mind. She came to the Children’s home, in sec 47, as a victim. She was abused by a lawyer, at whose home she worked. She was then raped by her neighbour. She was in the process of committing suicide by hanging herself, when the police barged in. She has a dipsomaniac for a father, 3 younger siblings, and a mother who died in child birth. On the Governor’s insistence, she was sent here at the kids home, with her siblings. Her doctor (psychiatrist) from PGI, came to visit the home first, laid down clear instructions to hide all the stuff with which she could kill herself – duppatas, knifes, blades etc.

Sister Annie gave his instructions two hoots, bid him farewell, and welcomed Maani, for she was sure, that love could and would heal her. Maani was no less, she had decided to give everyone at the home a tough time, she would faint at the drop of a hat, cry, make a mess, approach the boys and make a swollen face and sit down. But Sister was adamant. With lots of work and lots of love, we slowly saw the transformation take place. Her heart melted and she embraced all the love with open arms. Slowly she began to gather her wits. Helping in household chores was not difficult for her, she had done that all her life. But studying was. She learnt to focus her attention on learning to read and write. There were occasional mishaps, but Sister and she, both overcame them.

Today, Maani is appearing for class 10th boards through open school. She is a normal child, who plays with other children, loves dressing up, laughs- baring all her teeth, and is learning vocational skills too. Love heals.

In the course of my thoughts, I was also reminded of some of my boys from the Juvenile home. They are grown up boys, who have had a tough childhood. But in their JJ Home, there came a lady visiting them, who insisted they call her ‘mummy’.  How lovingly they refer to her, expecting her to solve all their problems.
Like the girls look up to me, bombarding me with their troubles, expecting me to give them a solution to each one of them. Its funny though, when they mimic me, giving them advice on how not, and how to be! Love heals.

The little babies who cling to me, and any one else who visits them, for an embrace, a loving care, a hand, cupping their face, telling them they are beautiful, telling them they are the best. Then, I know for a fact, that love heals. The young boy who comes running, hugs me tight and shouts, “Riti didi aagaye, riti didi aagaye!”, the others who fight, what took me so long. I know for fact, love heals.

Am transported to the time, when Jesse Bhaiya and me would walk up to the kids every evening, meet them half way through in the park, and all of them would leave their play, gather around us, guide us to their home, for another round of play there – dog and the bone. Soon it would be dark. Sisters would scold us all, and we’l all sit inside. The kids studying and we, teaching and beating some. Prayers would follow. Then dinner. And then, bye bye. Love heals. It healed us all.

Now I see those same lil kids, grown up, more mature, some in adolescence, some beyond. Rahul, another one of my boys, would always be angry with me, for reasons, I could never see. Now, when I remind him of the fact, he stands with tear filled eyes, telling me, that he only wishes, that he was not. I smile, reassuring him that he’s special to me, will always be. He seems to understand, for now he is willing to see. Love heals. Him and me.

The credit, whole heartedly, go to those, who opened their hearts, in adversity, and let love overtake them; who chose to forgive, and be forgiven; who took the risk, of not remaining bitter; of letting life happen to them; letting love, heal them. Love heals, I believe.

        

February 23, 2011

COCO


Company Commander- ‘loving’ called, COCO in OTA verbiage. Much of it of course, rubbed on me, and like my OTA pals, I too, found a COCO here. The present one there lives up to the definition of a martinet. And of course, so does mine.

A professor here at the univ, at whose wrong side I almost always ended being, is our future Drs. COCO. He DECIDED to make our life hell, and in college lingo, ragged us, while in OTA lingo, gave us the raggada.  So much so, that the bright stars of tomorrow had this idea (of course generated by a lady Dr!) that we all make a line, march up to his office, with loud LEFT RIGHT LEFT music, and salute him with a strong, noisy, PARADE THUMP! But alas! The idea did not live to see its materialisation, being voted out hands down!

COCO hated me. Everytime he would look at me, he would wonder why am I in the class, almost loudly. He proclaimed in front of my fellow mates, that I wouldn’t be able to finish my PhD. Seemed to me almost in a threatening tone, that he wouldn’t let me.  And even if I do, by any chance, that is, it would be a work worth nothing, copy paste from someone elses thesis, no original work, all bloody nonsense!

The fact that I would like to work in the field of human rights, too, almost angered him. His instant reaction was – “human right! Hmm.. very fashionable huh!” He tried his best to bestow upon me, sense, or maybe the lack of it, that it would entail a lot of sacrifices. Human rights seem like a far call for a person like me. This, in the 3 or the 4th class! So, he was angry, and so was I. But, as Iv learnt to take life with a pinch of salt, I kept quite. I let him have his say. For I was to, and will, prove him wrong by my actions. Reminded I am of the saying : a man has his will, a woman, her way.

Of late, COCO has begun to thaw. There is no one as punctual as me in the class – with time and work. He realised, that given an opportunity, I was willing to work hard. Quality work, is something, he will not compliment me with, just yet, but I know he’l get there. The last class was strangely even nice, with COCO laughing and smiling, though with his occasional sense of hurt pride!

But in the last class, he taught us all a very important lesson. About field insights. How we work on our hypothesis, in seclusion, unaware of the field realities. And when we have to test the same, insights in the field experience, may just tell us something else, requiring then, a revision of the hypothesis. He explained this with a very simple and genuine example- Suchreet.

Initially, he said, there may have been notions that people would have about her. They may dislike her for various reasons, which in reality are nothing but perceptions of the mind. Stereotypes, experiences, thoughts and wrong information, may lead to aversion. But if on experience of her behaviour, listening to her intentions, her motives, seeing her work, communicating etc u may want to soften on your perceptions, and hence, reject and revise your hypothesis about Suchreet.

Nice example! Relevant rather!

Same with any med. Cancer lets say. In labs,a ll the required knowledge is put into making the med. But  its never launched commercially just then. Its tested. On animals, and then humans and then, if it succeeds, its put into the market.

But social sciences, dealing with humans, are more complex than the ‘scientific’ science. For humans can keep a lot to themselves. Divulging less, thinking more.

But actually thats true, perceptions and stereotypes complicate matters. They really help to put a curtain before your eyes. As they did with COCO.

Iv heard, he instantly has a dislike for women students, for he thinks they will marry in the course of their PhD and do no work worthwhile. Exceptions being those whose husbands have contacts! Am sure, thats what he thought about me. Even though I haven’t had the chance to air my views about marriage to him, I think he pretty much understands by now, that am a slogger, Il work!

So much for COCO. All said and done, everyone has perceptions, tested or not, that’s subjective, depending upon your goal..of the research!
   

February 21, 2011

Philosophy..

Reading about the ol guys, who created Philosophy!

Just feel astound and great respect for their intellect. They had a thought for everything, from social life, morals, research methodologies, psychology, international relations, political science, government, jusriprudence (read law), and even the universe. and maybe there are a lot of things am missing..

unfortunately, its COCO who teaches us! and there shall be a post on COCO, much due, much required!

love this one by Hume : the idea of man is "nothing but a bundle or collection of perceptions which succeed each other with inconceivable rapidity"

February 19, 2011

I Don"t Know


 A blank mind,
With bouts of rewind,
How can one define,
The plans of the Divine?

With moving trees,
With passing breeze,
Time, just seems to freeze,
As if its a mere tease.

I don’t know, how I feel,
I don’t know, whats the deal,
I don’t know, if there is something
Left to heal,
I don’t even know if its all for real.

With surprise I was caught,
I had never thought,
All gone and lost,
What is there thats now being sought?

Reminds me of a quote by someone : “ My life has a superb cast, I just don’t know the plot!”

February 15, 2011

St. Valentine- call it a day!


Valentine’s Day, came to an end,
The day- like a clichéd prayer of a reverend.
A day when the lovers should rather part
Live it differently, for a start.

Without a date, a solitary affair,
Not that I minded, even a moment fair.
Love my pals for all their care,
About my boyfriend, is all they are waiting to hear!

Strangely, I was made aware,
Way back in grade 6th,
About Valentine’s I knew enough,
To give some guys, a time little tough!

Memory I tell you some people have,
To remember such things through such a time gap!
This revelation, though, came with a wrap,
Guys going HUNTING for girls to date,(!!!)
To a feminist, that English expression,
Sounds like a bizarre rap!
(I mean come on! ‘HUNTING’ for girls for a date!!!)

But the most interesting conversation,
Took place just over the gate,
Laughing crazy over  Valentine’s ,
‘escapades’.
(one of my friends believes in Hunting for girls,
And the other wants to get some off his ‘arm’!)

Even though, no fine dine, with someone,
Not made to feel special, with frills done,
No flowers, no presents great,
Still, with a happy smile,
I ended the day!

:) happy Valentines to the ones who believe!

February 14, 2011

To Singlehood!


single hood makes itself pronouncedly felt
on days that others have their hands held.
that by no way means
that unhappy are the singles,
and are waiting and willing to mingle.(not necessarily so)

it rather shall be inferred ,
that the so called lonesome souls,
shall have a day dedicated to them,
to celebrate their undying strength.

This is for my gang (and i just realised so many of us are single!) and for the women.. like bhav says, lets celebrate our calibre for staying single, and (successfully !) keeping the men at bay!
Tomorrow guys, is our day! :) 

February 8, 2011

when fat was thin, and thin was not fat! .. too much math!

There were days wen i was thin,
and i still thought I was fat!

and now that am not thin anymore,
I remember how less was that fat!!! :(

and I dont know why, but it seems like a venn diagram problem, rather than my very own! 

February 2, 2011

PhD

P-atience     .. till it turns you into a Patient. (current stage)
h- ardwork  .. till it leaves u hardly of any worth.
D-epression .. full on and with full zeal!


- and its only just begun!!!!!  


And as a passing thought, about one and some more of my classmates here (and some more!):

The world, unfortunately,
is full of scheming people,
propping up hurdles,
at each step of the way,
rejoicing in your fall,
quietly, smiling tall.

So a vow I take,
To see the ordeal through,
to pick up the threads
and begin anew.
To stand tall, after every fall,
To not be weak,
And plant a tight slap
on that a******* cheek!

Phew!

January 27, 2011

Don't think of what could have been,
Think of what can be!

Thank u Mr. Jesse!
Muah!

January 26, 2011

..........

Iv seen castles made out of sand,


Met people who believe destiny is engraved


on the palm of their hands,


Iv seen people change their faith,


Experienced love change into hate,


Iv seen people grow younger with age,


and a bird who wouldn't fly


out of an empty cage.


Iv seen love sold for money,


People who are devastated inside


being on the outside funny,


Iv seen the unicorn fall in love with the toad,


People who owned half the city,


have now hit the road,


Iv learnt to expect the unexpected,


Perfection doesnt exist,


We'r all defected,


Everyone cries,


some just hide the tears,


They say coal turns diamonds


over a thousand years,


Someone may believe you are one in a million,


For some others, you maybe just one of the billion,


so live life with all that you have,


cherish all your moments,


happy or sad.




Feel blessed for what you are,
for sometimes we forget who we are.




Anonymous.   

January 25, 2011

mad, MAder, MADEst!


There are days that drive one mad. There are days and circumstances that drive one madder. And the maddest day of my life I think, is yet to come! And I hope not anytime soon!

The madder day was just today,
As I ran away and ran around,
The latter helped,
While the former,
Only made me frown!

Before I knew, the sun rose,
Before I knew, I was off on the roads,
Meetings held and a job well done,
And that alone was the good deed done!

Some good company and a lousy lunch,
And before we knew,
It was time to run!
The frustrating corridors and
the chit chat shows!
The seminars.. more so!

Till 8, bloody, I sat and waited,
For the unnecessary guests, were awaited,
Wanted to wish them away since ever,
And it got fulfilled when my day was over!

Tired and frozen got back home,
For your information,
To a scary revelation,
Tomorrow maybe the chosen day,
When they ‘might’ decide to grace us,
With their presence and foray.( literally!)

Can’t run tomorrow, for time is too precious,
To be wasted on designs, so vexatious,
Only wish better sense prevails,
Upon those, on whom responsibility entails!

And for the darlings about whom am snarling:
LIVE and LET LIVE!!!!!

January 20, 2011

HIV.. Not good!


Encountered strangeness today. Totally.

Met an HIV+ couple. Talked to them for over half an hour, and still trying to come to terms with their priorities and fears. In this one and often, ‘small’ world, we are living such different realities, with diverse priorities. Where I am unduly concerned about my coursework and duly concerned about the way I need to chart out my life, there is this couple, dealing with a genuine fear of ‘what after us?’

A young couple, maybe late 30’s, is wondering how to ‘ingrain’ in their children the fact that they may not be around for long. For telling them about it, time and time again, has only led to escapism on part of the kids. Being discriminated at the RT centre, on every visit, is definitely a lesser problem, than the prospective discrimination that their children may face. They are struggling every goddamn day to keep pace with life, to live life! And what life!

In the half hour conversation today, I sensed the turmoil within them. The lady mentioned the uncertainty they face with passing time, too many times! I wonder how would they have dealt with the ‘diagnosis’ initially, with the fact that their family is going to be shattered and an almost end to their normal, regular, healthy life? How would have they explained it to their children? And what would have the children understood, being barely 8-10 years old?

 I agreed to help out with the kids, since thats the bare minimum that anyone can do.

And she offered to pray for me, to a God she still strangely believes in.

They left me speechless and thoughtful. 
Its a crazy world and I wonder why?

P.S- but after this thought and before i posted this, Amrita told me that there is reason to cheer. I need to give hope to the couple that if they look after themselves, and take their meds regularly, with regular med check ups, 10-20 years more of life is awaiting them.
So am gonna look for some pamphlets and so will mrit, and we’r gonna give it to them for them to understand, and consult their doctor on! Mission Hope is on guys! :) 

January 8, 2011

Just 24 hours in a day,
Are too less for me to fair,
Well, and to excel,
In this marathon race!

34 seems a good number,
Even if it means putting the
Moon in a slumber!
At least the pace will relax,
A lot less it will tax,
Giving room to chillax!



Running ahead of time, is a dream that is mine! 
Amen!

January 2, 2011

Revelations..and thoughts!

Revelations, revelations and more revelations about the society that we live in.

 And Oh! God! They are true!

A short walk out in the park became a rather extended two hour run with lots and lots of chatting! Casual chit chat soon turned into ‘interesting’ conversation, and then, the spooky theories about -marriage and the likelihood  of marriage and the kinds of marriage and what works and doesnot work in a marriage. It didn’t take long for the two happily single friends to get stunned and scared about how things could be ‘theorised’ and more importantly, that shit! One day, sooner or later, this may really be a part of our lives- marriage that is, and to our respective spouses that is.
[Clarification intended, lest someone gets offended! :)]

When the incessant walk had almost tired me out, revelations followed that almost left me open mouthed, gaping! Damn! Not that I would like to reveal any of them here. But true, women better be on their guard, for you never know who eyes you with what eye. Even though we have freedom of life and personal liberty, the burden of protecting the same lies with us, the state cannot really be depended upon for the same. For the state of affairs is rather insane!

And at times like these I feel its great to have a boyfriend, for it somehow, helps you bother less. Not that  the society is any kinder to taken women, for ‘taking a taken woman’ may just be more attractive, but personally, it may help to burden one less. And burden one lots otherwise maybe. :)

Oh! Its a complicated world.

But why am I surprised? Especially when I know that child abuse is rampant in this very society.  Educated, married men, with a decent family and profession are violating children. Not just girls, but boys too! There are unsuspecting people who are, just so good at their game, of ruining childhoods, scarring them forever. How many kids are able to get out of ‘abused experiences’ on their own? There does not have to be sex involved in the same, a sexual gesture is enough. A wrong touch which gives you a creep is more than enough to send a child in a shell of horror! But of course, what happens is way more than ‘just’ a touch!

Child sexual abuse is extremely prevalent in our society. Its an open secret that discretely has been hidden- from the children, parents, and of course, the society. Of late there has been some talk about the same, but not enough. With some scandals coming to light, Goa being recognised as the child sex tourism hot spot, the Govt actually coming out with a report/ survey on CSA, and also a draft bill waiting to be put up in the ‘non functioning’ legislature to become a law. Some effort sure is on!

But on a personal level, how many parents tell their kids about the possibility of being abused, that its ok to refuse and whom to confide into? How many parents accept the child’s complain that he/she has been abused? And what do they about it, except keeping mum, and asking the child to do the same for the sake of reputation, family ties and the like? For in many a cases, the abuser is a known, trusted person, working on this relationship of trust! And it doesn’t happen only to the poor ones, but the rich and not so rich are equally vulnerable!

Its time to sensitise the society about the issue. Its time to get out and make some noise, to  taboo this taboo and give the kids a life they deserve. There is an NGO down South that is doing great work in this field. Its called Tulir. I read about it long back in 2nd year of college. Was and am truly impressed with their holistic strategy to deal with the problem. Iv seen their posters in The Hindu paper- child section, teaching children whats the right and the wrong touch. Iv read about their drives and workshops with parents and schools, to sensitise them to signs of an abused child- changed behaviour, preference for seclusion, lack of trust and the like. I am sure they have saved many many children from facing hell, and I salute all those behind this effort for the wonderful work that they are doing.
(http://tulirindia.blogspot.com/

We need more such Tulirs to save the future.

And as a passing thought it strikes me, that:
 A child’s gullibility, and vulnerability, often fades away with time, age and experiences. But  one’s past never really leaves one. And neither does the mistakes of others.