a nEW bORN mOTHER!

A new born mother- thats how i feel like these days. Perpetual back ache, always on my toes, lack of sleep, dirty clothes to wash everyday, cooking and a demanding baby to look after and nurse to health!

My Mischief fell terribly ill. Her hind legs just stopped working and within a matter of 5 days, she went from limping to completely immobile. We consulted many a doctors here and did the wise thing of taking her to Ludhiana. She only ended up puzzling all the docs and surgeons there. All her internal organs are working properly, X rays and ultra sounds reveal nothing majorly wrong, except stones in her urinary bladder and an infection in her uterus. But this, the docs say, should in no way result into this condition. Her responses were good and so paralysis too was ruled out. They suspected a muscular disorder and prescribed medicines for a week.

We came back hopeful, but she only deteriorated by the day. The mildly walking Mischief soon became completely bed ridden!  And this, when Mischief hates to walk, but LOVES to run! That one week; there was horror, sadness, grief and complete disbelief regarding what was happening. We seemed to be losing her by the day, the reality of which was the most difficult to accept. She is only 6! Some suggested its a nerve related problem, others said that probably a tumour or clot in the brain is causing all this. A happy, playing running child just slipping out of your hands. It hasn’t even been 5 months since Joy left us, and now Mischief? I even had the bizarre thought that maybe its all Joy’s idea!

In a last attempt to save her, we made another trip to Ludhiana, agriculture university, the animal section. It is believed to be the best in North India. The doctors were more perplexed this time to see her in a worse condition. The whole morning went in carrying out the tests and all. But the docs were awfully nice to carry out detailed discussions with each other and then, clearly did explain to us what their strategy was. They accepted that its a hit and trial thing they are doing, hoping that the treatment works cz nothing apparently is still wrong with her. No way to find out about the brain though. So, again, we started back for home, praying that this time, the meds work!

The diet charted out on the way, the medicines bought in spite of the tiredness, and a resolve, with fervent prayers, that Mischief is going to get well this time!

Cooking for my lil angel was taken over by me, my bed spread next to her, baskets emptied to house her medicines and prepared we were, for our journey to health. Slowly and steadily, my girl recovered. Still is recovering. She is now back on her feet and can walk a lil. She wobbles and is very weak, but thats better than being tied to the bed, helpless. She no more has to be picked up, or administered medicine of urine. She just needs help to get up now. but am sure, with the kindness that God has bestowed upon her, she is going to be up, about and kicking soon! Touchwood! 

Picking her up and supporting her to walk, gave my back a tough time. And since, madam wants an attendant awake thru the night, my sleep cycle has gone for a six! I try to catch sleep whenever the lady is asleep. And oh! She has forced me to get into the kitchen too! I have to cook for this devil, and then ‘make her’ eat food, cz she is too pampered to eat on her own! One of those reluctant eaters, with whom, the only option is to be a persistent feeder!

But seeing her recover each day, celebrating her recovering health; the back aches, sleep deprivation and all, doesn’t seem to matter. The joy of having her back with us, is just too great!  And this newly born mother, likes it that way! :) 

Joy, Kids and Wishes..

Tired, half dead, with an aching head and legs, a broken back and a demanding dog- is what life is after almost 12 hours of being away and on the move.

Thoughts in my head- lots. Probably thats why its hurting.

I miss my Joy. I miss his laughter and songs. Basically, I just terribly miss his company. I just pray and hope that he is happy and  comfortable wherever he is. He is around, watching over us. And I just know that.

Met my kids today. Came back, of course, with mixed thoughts, some happiness, some wonder. Everytime  I visit them, they have grown taller and thinner. They are usually emotionally charged, either on seeing me or when I am about to leave. There are new people I find, and each time I wonder, how can children become a burden on their parents, that some choose to leave them here and never return.

The ones I know since long, their future troubles me. How will they earn their living, what do I do to get them equipped for a job, so on and so forth. They all miss the old days and insist that I do something  to help them  re-live those days. How do I explain to them that I am a very ordinary girl. No super human I am. but they are kids you know, how can one not forgive their unwarranted beliefs?

Came back home and called up Sameer- One of my boys who left this place and went to his home town- somewhere in Jharkhand. He was surprised to the core to find me at the other end of the call. But happy. He is not working but studying in class 9, which was a relief. He promised me time and time again that he’l stand first in his class, and make me really proud. After all, he said, am your brother! His younger brother, Odil, also went away with him. He was studying in St. Xaviers here. Now he is there, going to be promoted to class 5, since he already knows everything of his class 3 and more. I love my babies.

I wish, one day, I attend their convocations. Proudly stand alone to give them a standing ovation. I wish, am there, at their important moments of life, share their happiness and successes. I wish, I can manage to get them jobs, see them settled and send their children to schools. I wish, some, atleast some of my kids, make it really big in life and be an inspiration to a lot people. I wish, I had a home, where Sisters and my kids lived.

Never thought, that one day, life would bring such distances in between. Sisters, kids, everyone would move away. Only a cellphone would connect us. But seriously, thank God for that! I miss having my kids around, like they miss their home and the park! they want me to get them to sec 47 this Diwali and celebrate like the old times! What fun that really was! The girls and me would light up candles, with the little boys helping us. And then, the Bhaiyas will ‘help’ all the kids ‘crack their crackers!’  sister and me would be the jury for all the ensuing fights over whose crackers were used by whom, and of course, also be the medical unit for slight burns!

The home, that once was.                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

The headache I had, has vanished. The tiredness and the pain in my back - intensified. I wish, and please wish, my kids the best that there ever can be. May all the happiness be theirs- always! I wish, everyone could love them, more, than they can be loved in a lifetime!

Some things..

Some things in life never change

Like the beauty of a flower or

The length of an hour,

Be it the innocence of a child,

Or the warmth of sunshine,

Like a priceless smile,

Or love, undefined.

Some things, just never change

Be it a thoughtful gesture,

Or carefree nature,

Like those unspoken words,

Even  looks, in a herd,

Be it a retrospective grin,

Or remembrance of an amazing thing!

Some things, like the touch of a familiar hand,

Or be it the dryness of sand,

The brightness of a flame,

Or wildness untamed,

Like the serenity of a calm ocean,

Or swiftness of a motion.

Some things in life just never change,

Some things, like the dust of memories,

Or excitement of ceremonies,

Be it the golden ray of hope,

Or countless promises untold,

Like an introspective peep,

Or an unforgettable dream.

Some things just never change,

Be it the morning dew,

Or dusk’s changing hues,

Like the chirping of birds,

Or miracles unheard,

Be it the twinkle in sparkling eye,

Or motherly advice.

Some things like the anxiety of wait,

Or the unknown fate,

Be it myriad emotions,

Or utter commotion,

Like the vagueness of haze,

Or wrinkles of old age.

Some things in life just never change,

But all cannot even remain the same.

Its the reality called life,

An intricate web of happiness, gloom and strife,

So live it well while you are alive,

Don’t be dead before you die!

The Colors of an Indian Life

The divine pinks of faith and belief,

The strength of yellow

Apparent in every crease.

The earthy browns- our colour core,

The whites read,

 Either politicians or woes.

Young feel the waves of purple

The old content in wavering pastels.

Oranges and creams

Make a sensible mix,

And  multicoloured we act in a fix!

Vibrant estatic  Enthusiastic and strong,

A mix of hues with confident contrasts,

A hint of blues, with shades of green

The often found red, alarmingly beam.

The Indian life, like smoke it spreads

Assimilated in the fabric of our existence

In its every thread.

The colours of an Indian life..

Intriguing experiences ,it ignites!

and Jammu finally happened!

Ah ha! My tummy feels like WOW! Light and recovered due to loads of talking and sharing that had remained within me all this while! Just made a short trip to jammu to visit Ritu, who is back home for 20 days..sorry 19 now, from OTA. She looks good with her hair chopped off in a ‘cadet cut’ and wins downright in confusing people about her gender!

Amidst a heavy rainstorm I left for Jammu by the night bus service! Not the most appealing and comfortable of journeys, but definitely not bad. Had the company of a college girl from the small, but a very special town to me, Udhampur. Career counselled her thoroughly! She loved my company, by the way, for she was more than eager to exchange nos and call me over for a visit home! But unfortunately, the bus got really late and Ritu and her dad had to wait 1 and a half hour for me in the car. That is especially more unfortunate for that one and a half hour began at 4.45 am! And finally i arrived!

Being greeted with the warmest hug and loads of love is a great feeling! Aunty was waiting for us at home and it felt as if another daughter has arrived. With the serving of the tea, the dawn broke, and so did chains of unshared thoughts and experiences. Before i knew, i was bombarded with OTA times, from both uncle and ritu respectively. As i struggled to make sense of the terminologies, i was secretly glad to be made aware, that Aunty was in my league! OTA ruled unabated, for the next..i don’t know how long, till probably uncle decided to get dressed for office. Meek me tried to put in a word or two about life back home too, and not just smile and show surprise at the, obviously, OTA talks! : )

Then came the photographs, obviously OTA first. Now i could slightly connect with all that i had heard! soon when those got exhausted, out came the wedding pics and the other stuff i carried from home. Now the sharing on my end began, and it continued till we both dropped dead in the bed with aching heads! Sleep was desperately needed and we obliged ourselves! Mercifully!

Treated we were to some real yumm dinner in Hotel Asia. All dressed and ready, ritu seemed to have found in me an object worth using her stuff on! So planted i was on uncomfortable heels, only because they looked good, and my feet, horrid! Deciding on where to go was the biggest issue, but miraculously we found a way out of it! Clicked some pics and had some great food, acted cheap by taking away all the mouth freshners and next stop, De flavours- an ice cream parlour. Those unassuming people had kept this mirror there that made one look HUGE! I mean depressingly HUGE! And that too in an icecream parlour! Wrong marketing strategy man!

Anyhow, the day ended with some more talks, while the next day began with photographs clicking sessions! Simply, cz we got hold of this one hat! Talking followed, vegetable shopping, sarees screening, and before we realised it was noon. So an obviously yum lunch and more bitching. And then we decided to pay a foreign country a visit. So off we went, to Pakistan! Finally saw RS Pura, a place famous for very famous basmati rice, and one i have heard about since childhood. And then, the border. Soon we walked into Pakistan and back we came! We were informed by the BSF soldier there that the only vehicles that are allowed to cross, are UNs. They come from Pakistan side, and go across the Indian gate. I mean WOW! How cool is that! Makes me wanna work in UN!

Anyhow, since we were foreign returned now, so we decided to oblige some of my almost relatives with a dinner opportunity with us! Awesome kashmiri food we were served garnished with lots and lots of laughs and good times! Dropped dead we did, as soon as we were back!

The next day was a dog day! Visited a home which had 4 big Dalmatians and 4-5 small pups. It also had 3 girls and a very very talkative mother who took as scapegoats! After leaving their place after hours, we could sit for an exam about her husband, her kids and their marks in each class. Oops sorry, also their present and past subjects. And trust me, so well taught we were that we sure as hell wud score an ace! What torture! But the happy times were to follow, we went to the market in the evening, where Ritu tried the most expensive of tees, hung huge earrings in her ears and look fab!:)

But before I knew, it was time for me to leave. But before i could be seen off, there arrived an uninvited, and even unknown guest to replace me! He was kind enough to come along with the family to ensure i caught the bus back home on time, which I eventually did.

 It simply felt great to be with Ritu after so long. We walk on different paths of life now, follow different dreams, lead contrasting lives and yet, feel so connected. The college days will fade away and other things will take their place, but the bond that we nurtured, all those years, shall remain strong. Its strange how she can still understand the meaning of my twisted words while others question me about their existence, the exuberance she has to share her life’s experiences and even insignificant details. We realise that as life moves on, so many things will have to be left behind, but my friendship with Amrita, gives me the confidence that no matter how much one may move on, remaining the best of friends is not just possible, but an experience in itself!    

Truly, her home felt like my own and her family, mine. Being treated as a daughter, and valued as one, by her parents, was nothing new, but it was a gentle reminder, that i have and will always do have, a home away from home.

Love you all!

P.S- oh! We also met captain Lisa, narcotics expert at the border. The cutest captain iv ever seen! She is a black lab of 36 months, who is super well trained. So i decided to pet her crazy and trust me, she messed up on the commands!:) beautiful loveable dog she was, who wud give the best of the salutes!

Oh! Don’t know how i find dogs, or they find me, wherever i go!         

Only if..if only..

Phew! The day is only half done and i feel like an old woman already! Am tired! So damn tired of worrying! Incidently, i worry not just for myself, but even for the unknown! If anyone decided to pay me for it, i will soon be a rich girl! Ha!

What am i doing with my life? More importantly, what should i do with my life? That is just what is eating this lil brain of mine. Which direction to head in? What to pursue? What not to pursue and what to leave? I had planned on so many things, and unfortunately, for myself, i seldom get them going! Ridiculously laid back, a desperate wait for a miracle, and a hope, that soon, i will see the light at the end of the tunnel! Sigh!

Am i confused? Oh! Boy! Ask me how much! A million dollars would be less to trade the amount! Phew! Life and its silly lies. Silly lies and their ensuing consequences. Consequences and a further  entangled life!  A vicious vicious circle it is, till of course, the Divine decides to have mercy on the ‘smallness’ of your brain and foresight, and gives you, on a golden platter, something really ‘divine’. And by that I donot mean a chocolate oozing delicious something!

Oh! If only life was that simple.  If only things were easier. If only, we could just blink our eyes and have our wishes granted. If only...only if..

  

Childhood

These days, like a caged bird and a closed mind,

Mounting maturity and insight,

Like slipping sand seems old times,

Running out, just out of sight!

Those beautiful days, when we all shared;

In those laughing eyes and immature sighs;

The innocence of a child.

Unrestricted like sun rays,

Like wind over the mountains,

A river through a valley,

Like the flight of a butterfly,

Those days too, just flew by.

I yearn for my childhood,

When I watched ants make their homes,

When I discovered the beauty of a flower,

When love and trust freely prevailed,

And you and me, just never cared!

Those times too, seemed so hard,

Unbearably small, as was considered by all,

With small hands and big dreams,

To be grown and be free!

I want those days to come back,

I want to relive my childhood,

To be precious as a gem stone,

Be caressed, as the motherly moonlight

Caresses every blade of grass.

I want the innocence that is now lost

Like cried tears.

I want to undo the puzzle of my life

And relive my childhood!