The angel who just smiled.

Driving past Prayaas, an organisation that works for the specially abled children, i was reminded of the time, years back, when my life took a turn and landed me there. Abrupt, clueless, lost and raw, i went there searching for myself; to heal and be revealed. I was scared, as any unsure, beaten 19 year old would be, of an unknown path that she was about to take. Or the unknown path that life was to take her on.

I met the lady in charge of the place. She was a friend of my mom, and so the contact. She took me around and showed me the place. And then she left me to discover what i wanted to do. the battle had begun. Everyday, the naive me would take the pains of travelling in buses with unknown routes, having the knack of catching all the wrong ones, and then be shouted upon by conductors. They left me at all random parts of Chandigarh after hours of touring. From there i would figure out how to reach Prayaas. The heat of the summer wasn’t particularly kind, it, infact, was at its peak. Sweltering long rides, long sweaty walks on the roads, and tiring fights with the Rickshaw wallas. All to reach prayaas.

There too, i moved from one room to the other. Only in the hope of finding a way of helping the kids who came there, and not just sit and watch while the experts helped them.  i felt helpless, but still thankful for the way God made me. but the need to fruitfully do something for someone was just getting to a frustrating end.  After a couple of visits and many many hours spent, i was mulling over the idea of calling it quits, and think of another course of action.

Don’t know if it was the same day or later, but yes, surely the day i decided to stop my visits to Prayaas. I walked in a corner class room, for tiny kids, suffering from a mental disorder i donot remember now. there i saw a lil girl, Tanvi was her name. She was hairy, sweaty, with a sleeping eye, and no sense of self. She was almost neglected by her parents, an unwanted being in the house. I talked to her, called out her name, and for the first time since she came to prayaas, (as her teachers told me) she looked up in response, and gave me a big toothy smile.

Within seconds, the smile had vanished and the lost look and repetitive behaviour back. this is way before the surprise of her teachers and their narration of the same to me, and my realising of how big a thing it was for tanvi to react that way, could be assimilated.   

But it was that one big toothy smile, that changed my perspective in life. It gave me hope. It was for tanvi that i kept going back. She made me visit her, and talk to her, look at her and pray for her, for that smile to flash again. But it didn’t. That similar moment never came back.  But that smile of a few seconds, has lasted me many years. It marked the beginning of many things iv done and shall do in my life.

I stopped going to Prayaas when Tanvi’s family stopped sending her there anymore. I don’t know what became of her. How she is, and how big shes grown. Its been many years now.

There were a lot of things and places i visited after Prayaas. Places, the names of which I donot even remember now.  Pankaj, a friend, who got married the same day I crossed Prayaas the other day, helped me so much! I remember going with him to a school in Mohali for differently abled children, who have boarding facilities for them and were doing so much for them. another place in Karuna Sadan, where we saw how beautifully they were vocationally training these children. We toyed with many ideas for them, but nothing really worked out i guess. Maybe cz sometime later, cant place exactly when, i was to meet my kids. a bubbling household of a family of children. i never realised then, how they would dictate my life. I never realised then, the impact that one decision, to stop in my track, turn back, and walk to enquire from Sisters, whom I called ma’am then, about what this children’s home was about, would have on my life.   

But my today, is to Tanvi Modi, who taught me what a smile can mean.

I wish escapism was a solution,

I wish,  I was a hard hearted soul,

I wish I lay beyond the realms of conformity,

Beyond,  what the world calls wisdom.

I wish patience had no meaning,

That struggle was not demeaning,

I wish I could speak what I think,

And not be stuck in bargains.

I wish nothing made me angry,

I wish nothing needed solace,

I wish I was among the very many,

For whom life is just a kiss. 

Its a lonely battle, it is.
You're on your own in this.
The familiarity of amiss,
The comfort of dismiss.
Hope, its worth the risk,
This lonely battle, that is.

Call it Murphy's law, or life, but when things get murky, ur always bloody alone.
and when things get murkier, you are still so fucking alone.

A pensive mood, And everything is screwed.

The mental battle of this strife,

The yearning to give up

And live some other life,

One,  that is today bright;

But living darkness now,

For tomorrow to alight.

The constant fight,

For things that delight;

With none in sight,

Hoping for a light,

For a high of considerable height,

Bearing with today’s plight,

Constant gnawing despite.

To just run away,

Far far away, to some godforsaken respite.

What a bargain- your today for a tomorrow,

That maybe,

For everyone elses surprise,

Telling you its your prize,

Does anyone realise,

It price?

The tears and the cries?

Once, twice, even thrice,

And finally they say, nice!

You’ve been sensible,

Its been destined,

While other’s recline,

Lay back, in waters saline,

Dine, drinking fine wine,

Someone toils,

Burning the midnight oil,

To define,

Some kind of sunshine,

To fill in, to fall in line,

Something to hold on to,

Something,  to call mine.

Reflections..

How I long for the days I do,

Like the early, lovely morning dew,

The warmth I miss,

Like a sunny winter day bliss,

Of small gestures of happiness.

The buzz of sounds, surround,

The lazy pace, withdrawn.

The easy rhythm, once

Wondrously driven,

Now hijacked by the

worldly heavens.

Its clear to see, like a starry sky,

Its clear to me, that the stakes are high.

The tough gets tougher,

The rough only rougher,

The continuity of suffer,

The need of a cover,

But its just day another,

The goals, a little further.

A heavy sigh,

Another morning to night,

Without a thing in sight,

As the world goes by,

I miss my belongingness,

Which once, kept me alive.

whats a woman without her moods?

Whats a woman without her moods?

Sometimes tangy, sometimes subdued.

The myriad hues,

Which transform without a clue,

From a dazzling smile,

To a frown, that can kill a lie.

The twinkling eyes,

In moments, can turn into sighs,

From the highest highs,

That can make one fly,

To the lows so low,

That are worse than dying.

The robust words,

Bursting in herds,

Can easily be followed,

By a deathly silence,

That can leave one hallowed.

A woman is magic,

Sometimes taking too dearly,

Things that are not even tragic.

But if adversity arrives,

She looks it in the eye,

Challenging, beckoning, rather threatening;

She finds her peace,

Keeping troubles at a crease,

Life she can tease,

Without any appease,

Nothing makes her cease!

Going on, with her head held high,

With her emotions conqured,

None of her moods should be tampered,

Herself, she can allow to be pampered,

For she lives, by her own example.

Love a woman,

Find her cute,

For whats a woman,

Without her moods!

Haphazard puzzle of a simple picture.

The confusion, frustration,

Vulnerability of emotions.

Weak, yet strong. Strong, yet weak.

Unknown, incomprehensible,

Lacking everything, yet nothing.

Decipher. Discover.

Just yourself and no one.

No one. Just yourself.

Be the reason, Be the factor,

The benefactor, The attractor.

Realise. Recover. Endeavour. Emerge